You Know You're Orthodox If
• On Wednesdays and Fridays you eat Japanese food. • You are more comfortable standing in church than sitting. • You can suck/vacuum up the crumbs of bread out of your hand without coughing. • You can sing ison to any song (and you know what an ison is… LoL). • Lent to you means peanut butter, tofu, soy, lots and lots of pita bread and hummus, and services at least five times a week. • You’re used to skipping breakfast on Sundays. • On your first encounter with long words, you pronounce them stressing the ‘next to the next to last’ syllable. • You wonder why the Pope crosses himself backwards when you see him on TV. • You wear comfortable shoes to church, because you know you’ll be standing a long, long time. • To you, a ‘topless’ gal is one without a headscarf. • You get great deals on Easter candy. • You spend time figuring out the best way to remove smoke stains from your ceiling and wax from your walls. • Before you pray, you say a prayer. • You don’t flinch when someone throws water at you. • When you first tell people who ask what religion you are, at first they think you’re Jewish. Oy! • You’re experienced at removing wax from clothing. • The service routinely starts at least 15 minutes late and lasts 2 ½ hours — and nobody around you complains. • You consider any service two hours or under short/regular. • You know you’re in an Orthodox church when the priest says, “Let us complete our prayer to the Lord‿, and there’s still half an hour to go. • At the end of Holy Week, you have rug burns on your forehead. • Your Easter isn’t Easter without an all-night party (featuring 10 dishes of sausage with cheese). • Your priest is married. • You have seen all members of clergy in purple robes. • You can differentiate between the eight different chanting tones. • You typically celebrate a feast day by observing strict fasting. • You celebrate feast days the night before. • You address the City as Constantinople instead of Istanbul. • You can say "Lord have mercy" 40 times without making a mistake. • You can say "Christ Is Risen"/"Indeed He Is Risen" in a million languages. • You have tournaments of red-egg-cracking on Pascha... And you usually know who's being a wise-guy with the wooden one. • You have multiple priests' numbers in your cell phone. • You actually read the Bible in your spare time. • You've slept overnight in your church for a retreat. • You've grown accustomed to the taste of wine because you've had it since you were a baby. • Even if you don't speak the language fluently (i.e. Albanian, Greek, Russian, etc.) you could still carry on a decent conversation about food in it. • You've been or plan on going to Alaska. • You could write a book on the symbolism in an Orthodox wedding... during the wedding... because they are just that long.